Extras helps:

This is the final installment of tips to parents from parents at EBC. I hope these posts have been helpful!

1) If you are rarely overwhelmed by the enormous responsibility it is to care for a human soul, you need to examine yourself.

2) Encourage any child's action that demonstrates effort in a positive direction.

3) The importance of "being there" for your children and demonstrating to them that they are important. Don't just teach them about God but help them connect with the Lord in a way that truly gets them to open their hearts to the Lord. Also ask them about what is going on in their lives and listen to what they have to say we jump in with suggestions. Every child is unique. Bring a child with you as you live your life. They will pick up what matters most to you.

4) Say "yes" whenever you can, and "no" only when you must.

5) Know when to pick you battles. This helps you determine priorities of what is important and what really doesn't matter all that much.

6) And last of all, do trust in God for all things, and do not lean on your own understanding.

What about discipline?

1) Be consistent - don't say anything that you are not willing to follow through on - i.e. "I'm going to ground you for life!" or "If you do not stop, I will spank you".

2) Don't be afraid to say, "I am too angry right now to discipline you. If I did, I would just be responding in anger. I will let you know your discipline when I have had time to pray through my own anger."

3) Only give a command when you are prepared to follow through with biblical discipline if that command is disobeyed.

4) Respond to a loud or angry or demanding child by saying, "When your voice is the same level as mine, I will respond to you." (Of course, you have to be speaking in a calm voice!)

5) Spanking is not the only way to train a child. There are alternative discipline techniques such as "time-outs," "removal of privileges," "praise for good behavior," and they work. These alternative techniques actually elicit the same amount of grief, tears, and elimination of unwanted behavior as spanking did for me. This helps me be a better parent by forcing me to become more thoughtful in understanding why the bad behavior occurred, more empathetic in communicating to my children the wanted behavior, and more creative in devising ways to help them establish better behavior.

Parenting: Your Marriage Preaches

What is the most effective parenting tool for the Christian? It is your marriage. Here is a great excerpt from the highly recommended book, Gospel Powered Parenting:

“This mystery [marriage] is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” Here is Paul’s point. From before time began, God had marriage on his mind. He was preparing a bride for his Son, whom he would marry forever. It would take the crucifixion and resurrection of the Groom to bring this marriage to pass. Think of it. God created the most intimate human relationship, marriage, to speak of the intimacy of his relationship with his church.

God created the institution of human marriage to reflect, or mirror forth, this eternal union. In other words, human marriage exists to point men and angels to the eternal marriage of Christ and his church. The gospel made this divine marriage possible. Here is our point: human marriage exists to preach the gospel. It exists to illustrate the fruit that should follow the preaching of the gospel in the church.

To whom do our marriage preach? Of course, the first audience is God and his angels. They watch and rejoice, or if our marriage is a war zone, they grieve.

Who is the second audience? Most of us think first about our non-Christian neighbors. Maybe they will see our attempts to model Christian marriage and want the gospel? They might, and we hope they will, but actually they are the third audience.

The second audience, usually overlooked by most Christians, is our children. What is our marriage telling them about Christ and his bride? They see it all. They hear our fights. They absorb our attitudes. They know who or what really sits on the throne of our lives. They watch how we handle resentment. They hear the way we talk to each other. They know when we hear the Sunday sermon and apply it. They also know when we ignore it.

The message that our marriage preaches either repels or attracts our children. God wants your child to watch your marriage and think, “I want a marriage like that, and I want the God that produced it.” Or, “When I think of the beauty of the gospel, I think of my parents’ marriage. I want to be part of a church that is loved by God the way my dad loves my mother. I want to be part of a church that finds its joy in submitting to Christ as my mother joyfully submits to my father.”

Gospel-Powered Parenting: How the Gospel Shapes and Transforms Parenting, William P. Farley (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2009).

Fathers...

Many folks at EBC have given input about about parenting. This post is about the importance of the fathers role.

1) A child's identity is formed primarily through their relationship with their father.

2) A daughter learns what type of man to marry from her father's example and a son learns what type of husband to be from his father's example.

3) There are two things that are guiding me as a [father]; the word of God, and watching other believers in their families. The more God molds me, the more different I become. God tells me in the word to encourage and discipline my child, and that I have authority over him. He also tells me to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry; he doesn't make an exception if I'm angry at my child. I'm supposed to "let my gentleness be evident to all" (again no exception).

Parenting and church and the Bible

1) I think the Bible is the most powerful parenting tool we have. It doesn't have to be used as a hammer - where you throw it in the child's face and demand that he obey it. But just reading it and giving the Holy Spirit the chance to sink it in can change a child's life. One time when our kids were in conflict, I just read 1 Corinthians 13 slowly enough for it to sink in, and the Spirit did the work through the word.

2) I was told once when I was going out or something “Remember who you represent” which means you represent Christ and your parents and family member's name. We tell our kids the same thing, kind of a good thing to make you think about things.

3) It is the parent's responsibility to teach and model the gospel to the children, not the churches.

4) Your child - whom you believe to be the cutest, most innocent being ever - is still a sinner who needs a new heart that comes from the shed blood of Christ.

5) Parenting must not be about having a child who makes you look good or makes your life easier, it is about making disciples through the gospel.

In the beginning…

1) Let the kids "cry it out" a couple of nights, and they'll quickly figure out to go to sleep was pretty good.

2) Don't try to be quiet around a newborn. The sooner they get used to noise (and they can sleep through it) the better.

3) Don't sweat the small stuff! Little kids, little problems- big problems. Enjoy this moment of your children- living in the past or future will cause you to miss the now.

4) "Don't wait until everything is in place before you start living your life. There will always be something else to do or something else to achieve, and if you wait until it's all in place, then it'll be too late." – Work your career around your life instead of the other way around. Also, try to squeeze as much family time into every day rather than just waiting for the day I finally have a "real" job.

5) Parenting is a full-time responsibility. Careers, hobbies, friends, and comforts will need to be sacrificed to be successful.

Parenting - before you start

The following suggestions are from attendees of Emmanuel Baptist Church, Rochester MN.

#1) Wait [a while] to get to know your spouse. Otherwise. . . after [you have] kids you wonder who the person sleeping next to you is?

#2) It's easier to give life than to give love.

#3) Early in our marriage, my Mom reminded me to take care of and invest in my relationship with my husband all through my marriage. She said someday your children will be gone and you need to be excited to spend the rest of your life with the man you married. It was great advice and at times hard when we were in the midst of raising children, establishing careers, etc. but I always remembered her advice.

The best parenting advice

The current preaching series at Emmanuel Baptist Church is on Godly parenting. Current and future

parents were asked to submit their answers to the title question,

“What is the best parenting advice you ever received / implemented / or used as a parent?”

The next series of posts is geared to get your feedback. I will organize posts somewhat by theme.

Current series:

sermon 1) Godly parenting: The place to start

You must parent yourself before you can parent your children.

Sermon 2) Godly parenting: The objective

The goal of parenting is to prepare children to meet Jesus.

Sermon 3) Godly parenting: The discipline

Sermon 4) Godly parenting: The pitfalls

Book Review - Gospel Powered Parenting

It would be an understatement to say that many books have been written on parenting. Thousands have surely been written in the last few decades. So why another one? William P. Farley says that it’s obvious by looking at the next generation that “Christian parenting is in disarray.” In his book Gospel-Powered Parenting, Farley addresses the concern that many in the church have: too many children raised in Christian homes are turning away from Christ.

The reason for this, says Farley, is that the church has forgotten that the priority of Christian discipline and instruction of children is that of the parents, not the church. He says, “The point of this book is that God normally exercises his sovereignty through parents who faithfully practice biblical parenting.” (pg. 22) “Effective parents equip their children to overcome the world – not by changing and controlling their environment (things external to their children), but by going after their children’s hearts.” (pg. 24) Gospel-Powered Parents realize the power of the Gospel to change lives and trust in the new birth to bring changed behavior.

The focus of Gospel-Powered Parenting is exactly that; the Gospel. “Going after children’s hearts” means that we recognize that children are born as enemies of God and they need the grace of God applied to them in the cross to overcome their sin. A couple of assumptions by many Christian parents can be deadly to a child’s soul: that they are born innocent or that because they participate in church functions they have received new life in Christ. These will doom a parent’s efforts to raise a child biblically. “New birth is known by its fruits, not by a decision. The most important fruit is hunger for God himself. Effective parents assume this, and patiently wait for sustained fruit before they render a verdict.” (pg. 30)

The first half of Gospel-Powered Parenting is a focus on the Gospel itself. The chapters explain the need for parents themselves to be bathed in the Gospel and then their responsibility to parent with a focus on the child’s eternity in mind. The Gospel is explained in terms of the fear of God, His holiness (and wrath), and God’s grace and love displayed to us on the cross. It is important for Farley to emphasize clarity on the Gospel as the remainder of the book explains how it is applied to parenting.

The final few chapters of the book are more practical in their help to apply the Gospel in parenting. Farley notes that there is actually very little written in the Bible about how to raise children. This, he says, is because “the gospel is the classroom that teaches us everything we need to know to become effective Christian parents. If we really understand the gospel, and know how to apply it to our marriages and parenting, we have all the tools we need to pass the baton to our children.” (pg. 46)
“Parents who trust in the power of the gospel teach it to their children. They relate their dinner discussion to it. They teach it through their discipline. They attend churches that preach the gospel clearly and decisively. They center their family devotions on it…They relate all of life to Christ’s incarnation, life, death, resurrection, and ascension. They read and teach the entire Bible to their children, but they always relate its parts to its center, to the gospel.” (pg. 184)

These more immediately applicable chapters of Gospel-Powered Parenting suggest five basic tools that are essential to assuring that your children hear and experience the Gospel in your home. The tools are: marriage, fathers, discipline, teaching, and affection. Our marriages preach to our children. They tell children whether or not we truly embrace the humility and forgiveness that the Gospel preaches. Farley says that marriage is the most important tool we have in communicating the Gospel to our children. Fathers become the primary model of Christ in the family. Both boys and girls learn their relational identity from their fathers and a church and family is energized by the servant leadership of men. Discipline focused in the Gospel uses “the rod” to awaken the heart of the seriousness of sinful rebellion and bathes children in loving forgiveness, guiding them to repentance in prayer. Gospel-powered parents recognize that it is not the church’s or the state’s responsibility to educate and train their children. No matter what type of education is chosen, it is based on the knowledge that parents are responsible to educate and evangelize the souls God has entrusted to them. Finally, Farley says parents should shower their children with affection, showing them that they truly care for their little souls.

William Farley’s Gospel-Powered Parenting is an extremely important book for all who desire to parent biblically. It is a reminder of the immense responsibility of Christian parenting and God’s design is to bring children to a knowledge of the Savior through Christian homes. This book points us then to the purpose of parenting: “Ultimately the goal of parenting is not your child’s happiness. It is not your happiness either. It is not their academic or career success. It is not your reputation. The goal is the glory of God.” (pg. 198) And it reminds parents to trust in the power of the Gospel to overcome our parenting failures: “So the gospel not only teaches us how to parent. The gospel salves the wounds of our imperfections, and it encourages us to persevere through our failures.” (pg. 220)

Book Review - Family Driven Faith

Anyone who has some exposure to youth ministry is aware of the alarming statistics that reveal somewhere between 70% to 85% of young people will walk away from church within their first year away from home. An honest parent will admit that they are afraid that as soon as their kids leave home that they will be led away from Christ. Churches around the nation recognize the crisis and pour substantial resources into their youth ministries to attract and keep young people in the church. But as Alvin Reid, Professor of Evangelism and Student Ministry at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, notes, “The largest rise of full-time youth ministers in history has been accompanied by the biggest decline in youth evangelism effectiveness.” Something is drastically wrong.

Voddie Baucham Jr. has noticed the dilemma and attempts to explain the cause and offer a solution in his book Family Driven Faith. According to Baucham, “We are looking for answers in all the wrong places. Our children are not falling away because the church is doing a poor job – although that is undoubtedly a factor. Our children are falling away because we are asking the church to do what God designed the family to accomplish. Discipleship and multi-generational faithfulness begins and ends at home.” (pg. 7)

In Family Driven Faith, Voddie Baucham explains how he believes the rise in the youth ministry movement has encouraged the fall in the efforts of the family to be the primary evangelism, teaching, and training ground for children. We often feel like the spiritual training should be left up to the professionals or we are not properly prepared or equipped to teach children, but as Scripture repeatedly reveals, God has ordained the family to be the daily driving force in the discipleship of children. “[Many churches set] out to do for teens what God commands parents to do. It is not the job of the youth pastor to evangelize my child – that’s my job. It is not the youth pastor’s job to equip (disciple) my child – it’s mine. And it is not the youth pastor’s job to send my child out to engage the world; you guessed it – that’s my job too.” (pg. 177)

The bulk of Family Driven Faith is devoted to painting the biblical picture of a family. It describes what a marriage is to look like and how it is to be the primary relationship in the family as a foundation for the Christ-like love that is to be modeled and shared in the home. It illustrates a family that is centered around the gospel; focusing on exposing the sinful hearts of the children in order to guide them to forgiveness and new life in Christ. It portrays a family that is a place of love and forgiveness and is a safe haven for rest and encouragement that distinguishes the Christian family from the world. Family Driven Faith describes the godly family that daily worships, prays, and studies together building biblical, multi-generational faithfulness. Baucham writes personal stories and offers tips and encouragement for parents to lead their families in worship and devotional time.

The heart of Voddie Baucham’s message is unpacked in the final two chapters as he lays out what he believes to be the biblical model of the church. “While I believe the vast majority of those who shepherd segregated portions of congregations are well meaning and would never presume to replace parents in their biblical role, I believe the modern American practice of systematic age segregation goes beyond the biblical mandate…the church’s emphasis ought to be on equipping parents to disciple their children instead of doing it on their behalf.” (pg. 178) Family Driven Faith isn’t another program to complement the youth ministry; Baucham explains that it is a complete paradigm shift. It is a decision made in each individual family to take back the role of youth discipleship from the professionals and lead as God designed in the beginning: parents teaching and modeling the love of Christ daily and deliberately in the home. “This is a problem that must be addressed one home at a time. The answer to our current crisis is a renewed commitment to biblical evangelism and discipleship in and through our homes.” (pg. 189)

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. - Deuteronomy 6:6-9

Totally Unqualified

Having a newborn in the house has been very exciting and challenging; both at the same time. It is something I have dreamed of for years and now I am so thankful to God for such a wonderful gift. I have been planning for a while now what I want to accomplish as a parent while understanding my primary responsibility is to point my beautiful daughter to Christ to find righteousness.

Knowing that I certainly do not understand all there is to parenting I have undertaken much study on the subject. I have been reading books, magazines, and web articles and also comparing the methods of parents I see throughout the day. I have learned many principles to keep in mind and am reminded to keep Christ as the focus. There have also been many practical ideas discovered that will be very helpful in accomplishing our goals.

I must read to my children and teach them the importance of discerning truth while learning. I must bring alive the Scriptures to help them better understand its message. I must be a good example of godliness in their lives and not fall back on the attitude of “do what I say, not what I do.” I must admit my limitations and apologize when I fail. I must teach them how to respect others, how to be polite, how to properly handle money, how to be a good husband or wife, to be a diligent worker, to eat their vegetables, to respect the creation, to exercise enough, to be a safe driver, to study hard in school, to properly clean themselves and a thousand other things. On top of all that, they are born like us with a sinful heart that will rebel against authority and resist obedience, so it will take patient, loving consistency over a lifetime to teach only a few of these things.

I think of all that goes on in my life, what I have prioritized, what I believe to be important, what makes me happy, and I wonder where I am to find the time and resources to tackle this monumental task; especially in our culture where time is money and having a family, instead of being a blessing, is more of a burden on our career and entertainment goals. At one time moms were respected as the primary influence on the family and now they are chided for choosing to accept this God-given challenge as keeper of the home (Titus 2:3-5) instead of pursuing a career. I have much sympathy for the single parent who desires much more time to raise their children but cannot afford to. Even as one who’s wife is home caring for our baby, I am afraid we will come far short of addressing all that our child needs.

With this massive list of responsibilities laid in front of me the thing that weighs heavy on my mind is that despite all of this preparation and study, I am totally unqualified to be a godly father. I am not even capable of properly taking care of myself, let alone an entire family. Most of us have some history of personal sin (actions or thoughts) that, if widely publicized, would cast serious doubt on our ability to be a parent or likely even a functioning member of a civilized society.

But here I am with a daughter. Granted the authority by Almighty God to guide a human soul in the ways our Creator. Given the responsibility of caring for another sinful person.

As I learn more and more about my responsibilities, more and more about my own sin, more and more about the holiness of our God, I come to the realization that we are created to be wholly dependent upon Him. We can do nothing of ourselves, but we have been commanded to be perfect. That by no means implies that we have the ability to be so, but calls us to trust in Christ with our entire lives. Only He can accomplish in us that which we are called to do. Only He can uphold us, sustain us, preserve us to the end. I pray that He does exactly that in our home.

Praise God that He can do it all by the power of his voice!

What's My Motive?

As I have worked through the first few joyous weeks of my baby girl’s life, I have been doing a lot of self-examination and reflection on life. I have often struggled to find out what I wanted to become in life. I have been a graphic artist, obtained an education and employment in civil engineering, and even begun taking seminary courses. Each month I spend some time looking through job postings looking for something that might be a more fulfilling career. I have been blessed with multiple talents and could choose from quite a variety of interests, but nothing gives me the desire to work at and be the best at it. Except for one thing; my family.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a husband and a dad. When I was little and helped take care of my brothers and sister, my parents often told me how great I was doing and what a good dad I would become. All through school I saw people dating each other for no apparent reason. I couldn’t understand why people were dating without serious consideration about whether that person was to be the one they would pledge their life to. I was determined to find that special girl and love her like no one has loved his wife before and become the best dad the world has ever seen.

All of this history brings me to today. I have been married to Molly for a couple weeks over three years; after dating for 5 ½ years. We were just blessed seven weeks ago with a beautiful baby girl who is now starting to smile at her daddy. I find myself, without much thought at all, sacrificing the things I once enjoyed to make sure my little girl taken care of. My pile of books to be read has been temporarily set aside for reading on biblical parenting.

Which has led me to great conviction. I suddenly realize more than before that as the head of this family, I bear the responsibility to lead my wife and children in godliness; to model Christ and teach His word to my family regularly. To me, it’s not as overwhelming as it is for some people because this is something I always wanted and prepared for. However, I am now asking myself why I wanted these things.

When I was a child, I wanted children to be a good dad and get praise from my parents. When I was a teenager, I wanted a girlfriend to fulfill my own personal longings and to make all the other girls jealous that they weren’t with me (trust me, nobody in high school was ever jealous of me). I wanted a wife who would be proud to boast of her great husband and children who thought the world of their dad. I wanted people to ask me for advice on marriage and parenting asking me, “How do you do it?”

When I now ask myself “why,” I see that on the surface I may have looked polished, respectable, kind, and loving. On the inside, it was all for selfish motives. While many others benefited, I looked for personal gratification and praise. It was all me-centered. The One who created marriage, who gives the blessing of children, who established the family, did it for His glory and His honor and His praise.

God created marriage to be a reflection of the love between Him and His church. God created families to share the love He has for His creation and to make more people to worship Him. He gives us roles in the family to understand love through submission to each other. He teaches through the family to respect authority even when we sometimes disagree so that we learn to respect and surrender to His ultimate authority. It is all designed for us to see Him through it all.

Today, as I learn (some by studying, some by trial and error) to be a husband and daddy, I must continue to ask myself, “Why am I doing this?” Why do I want children? Why do I send my children to school? Why do I teach them to say “Please” and “Thank You”? Why do I want them to eat their vegetables, brush their teeth, and go to bed at night?

While I do benefit from godliness, the ultimate purpose of my family is to glorify Christ in our love for each other and our obedience to Him; and to guide our children to become worshippers of the Most High God.

What motives do you have for pursuing the things that consume your time? Is it for your own fulfillment or for God’s glory?

Colossians 3:17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

1 Corinthians 10:31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.